Where has my PATIENCE gone???!

When I was younger I used to have so much patience and tolerance especially when it came to other people.  People would say and do things to me and I would take it and never say much of a word.  I wasn’t quick witted and I would take a lot in silence.

It seems, as I have gotten older,  my patience levels are less.  I do not tolerate nonsense from people like I used to, my tongue is much more sharp than it ever was and I have a quick temper with things that I tolerated before and even things of a less offensive magnitude.

However, I feel like I used to be a much nicer person when I was more patient.  I never used to get as upset as I do now, never had a temper and was much more soft spoken and approachable.

Well… I lost my temper last night and my behavior was, straight up… like a little girl!  No patience, no temperance, no consideration… just straight up words and actions out of raw emotion.  NO BUENO!

So now I’m sitting here wondering….  “Why???” 

Why have I changed?  Why am I different now?  Where have my patience, tolerance and compassion gone?  Aaaand…. how do I get them back?  **sad face**

I have definitely concluded part of the reason for this loss is….  LIFE!

Life has handed me too many situations with too many people who I have allowed to work these virtues out of me.  When you are a super patient, kind and compassionate person, people take a dump all over you!  They take advantage of your virtues.  They take your kindness for weakness and push your buttons to see how far they can go!  They use and abuse your feelings until the point that your humanity starts to say, “OH HELL NAW!  I’m tired of this MESS!”  And as the years of being stepped on and taking advantage of go by, slowly but surely, you start to lose those virtues.  Subsequently,  it seems like, in today’s world, most people only respect you and recoil when you finally snap on them or act like a – excuse my lack for a better word, but this one is quite exact- bitch! They do not take you seriously when you are soft spoken and patient with them but when you lay down how you feel with a hard tone and attitude, only then do they stop!  It does not have to be this way but some humans pull the “bitch” out of you!  It’s like they will not stop until she arrives!

And can I be blamed?  Am I not only human?!  Am I not allowed to get fed up and allowed to put my foot down?!!!

I was a single woman out in the world on my own from a younger age than most women in this world and it ain’t easy for us out there!  The world takes advantage of the soft spoken, patient and compassionate single women!

So I’m not wrong for standing up for myself and not taking any CRAP from anyone anymore!

… but…

BUUUTTTT…..  in the process,  I lost a lot. I have become more cold, all my patience is almost gone,  my mouth and temper gets me in trouble, especially now that I’m married to a loving man… and honestly…  that’s not the type of person I wanted to become.  At the end, what I have become is still my fault.  I am to blame.

It goes back to what I said above.  The key words are “I have allowed” (check one of the paragraphs above. I put those three words in bold.)  I have allowed situations and persons to push me from one side of the spectrum all the way to the opposite side.  I just let my emotions and frustrations take me on a wild roller coaster ride and land me where ever they pleased.  Now, I’m realizing, even in this, I have lacked self-control without me even knowing it.

Self-control is the factor, that if I had put into practice, would have allowed me to better balance my emotions and integrity.  I would have taken the time to understand the type of person that I wanted to be and used life to teach me how to stand up for myself without losing my patience  and compassionate heart.

As I type, I am reminded of the Biblical verses from the Letter to the Galatians from the Apostle Paul:

I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.  For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.  But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.  Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. (Galatians 5:16-23)

The fact is, at every point where I slowly lost some of my patience, I was being tested.  The truths in these verses have been a standard that I have held myself to for years.  Many times, I have thought myself to be a bearer of all the fruits but those tests have  OBVIOUSLY proved me WRONG! I just haven’t been able to get that “…crucified the flesh with it’s passions and desires”  part completed yet.

*sigh* *smh*

There is still a lot of growing and learning I have to undergo!

Well…  I guess it is not too late to learn.  Maybe…. maybe now is the time for me to learn to bring it all into a healthy balance.  Maybe now is the time for me to understand the importance of self-control and how it will change me from reacting like a hot tempered, teenage girl to a well-tempered, mature woman and prevent me from hurting the one’s I love and people in general.  You can not be light in a dark world if you keep blowing out your own candle, Self! **talking to myself**

So now I ask God, my husband and the Universe to forgive me for my lack of self-control, patience and compassion and have patience with me (how ironic!) as I set out on this new endeavor to find these virtues again and make them my own.

ONWARD!…

 

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